I don't know exactly what my problem is. writer's block? who knows. perhaps the complete utter shock i've been in for the last month since i arrived home to sunny little California. to my quaint little town nestled between the rolling mountains. to my favorite coffee shop downtown with excellent vanilla soy lattes. to all my loving friends. to all the adventures that i had missed so. to my family, my house, my garden... the farmer's market. i guess everything came down upon me like an oppressive fog, an overwhelming haze that dragged out for over a month.
so here i am. adjusting from my shock. re-habituating myself to this life. and let me tell you-- that's not an easy task. first of all, i feel like a completely different person. i feel sort-of displaced. like there is no specific place where i really belong. and then i think... i obviously belong here. wherever here is, because that is constantly changing. but here. where i am. in this moment. in this place. all on a general scale, of course:) and this place, where we are in every moment, is constantly changing. and that geographic location doesn't even really have importance in our lives... in our places. we are in control of our satisfaction and of our contented bliss. so then why is it so ridiculously hard to adjust from one place to another? why do we struggle so much to re-find our contentment? and what really is contentment? does true contentment really exist? or are we all changing our outlooks to find our own satisfaction, our own enjoyment and peace in our lives. who will ever know. anyway, my apologies for my philosophical babble... just a little tiny circular-shaped window for you to peer into my chaotic mind!
what i was trying to get at, is that i believe, in all honesty, i have found contentment in my life. not my Italian life, or my San Luis Obispo, CA life. not in one particular section of my life, but in my life in general. and i think it's thanks to my experience with AFS. my lovely experience in Trani, Italia.... where i made life-long friends and memories. the 6-month period of my life taught me more about myself and the people of this world than i ever thought possible.
and so here i am! at one of my homes. It's really wonderful. the sun is shining, the birds are eating on the feeder out front. my best friend is dj-ing on our local college radio station, and i am feeling so peaceful.
To me, living six months away from my California home helped everything to fall in place for me. i know who my true friends are. i'm more social. more aware of the effects of my actions and words. less of a hypocrite. more worldly. i have one more year of high-school. and i'm taking only the classes that interest me. im non a pawn in a cookie-cutter system any longer. and i'm not afraid of what will come.
This life we are living. all of these glorious moments, each of which has at least a miniscule effect, are like teensy dots on a stippled picture. when looked at in a scrutinizing manner, they may appear insignificant, chaotic, meaningless or even angering. but we zoom out, step back, to get a better look at our lives. our stippled masterpieces. with shadows, textures, graceful-flows.
we all have them, stippled lives.
and so look at what you have. it is beautiful.
this program, Intercultura, figuratively grabbed me by the shoulders, shook me violently, and scared me. but it dragged me back from my judgemental, prying, stress-filled outlook. it dragged me out of my rut... where i was stuck, trying to analyze senseless dots. this experience pulled me into another realm from which i can never leave. from which my eyes are more open and i can see all the beauty that this world offers us. where all my dots come together. from where i can see the potential, the opportunity, and the millions of doors which are swinging open all over the place. doors i think i can enter now without fear.
so here i go.
thank you all so much for following along with my journey. I hope you got something out of it :)
quando si permette l'opportunita' per qualcosa nuova da succedere, tutte le cose belle che sogniamo inizieranno. e la strada che desideriamo diventera' una strada che possiamo prendere facilmente e senza paura.
grazie intercultra. <3
